I went to the movies after class last week to watch The Passion. I saw Hidalgo instead.
So I haven’t actually watched The Passion. But I have watched people leaving the theater. I’ve seen a Hell’s Angel crying, a nun smiling, an Asian child silent, and a pastor giving driving directions to a resurrection party. Take this as pie chart, or however you like. It doesn’t matter.
I am told to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, strength, and so forth. I get the order confused, and maybe it matters, but what it boils down to is everything. It’s easy to love God with my words. But with my thoughts, my actions, my dreams, that’s hard. You’re like this, too.
A few years ago, I was accosted by a group of home-schooling parents for using a John Updike short story and a passage from a book written by a lesbian to teach their children. That on top of a recent break-up, on top of the death of a loved one, on top of my heart’s sick habits. I wanted to hate. No, I did hate. I was angry, and I wanted to break things. It was easy to think of things: a window, a home-schooling parent’s heart, my neck. I dreamed of ways to rage. Thoughts, actions, dreams, those were easy. But the words, the words were hard. Because it was God after all I was angry with, God I hated.
Driving down Mason Road, on my way home from the accosting, I decided that if I couldn’t hate God with my words, then the rest was show. “I fucking hate you, God.” Pause, then louder, “I fucking hate you,” then roll the window down, “I FUCKING HATE YOU.”
I felt whole.
In response, he said, and has said since, “I fucking love you.” And louder, “Jeremy Huggins, my child with the sick thoughts and disgusting habits and vile actions, I FUCKING LOVE YOU.” It's too loud to explain.
So part of me is waiting to see someone walk out of the theatre saying, “What the fuck?” I know that if I sit in the theatre, every time the whip comes down, I’d want to scream “I fucking hate you,” which is the only appropriate subtitle for the action on-screen. And the movie would end, and I wouldn’t have seen him sitting at the right hand of God, pointing me out in the theatre, leaning over to God and whispering, “See him—Jeremy—I love that kid.” Without that, I’d leave the theatre saying “What the fuck?” But I already know the answer.
thank you jeremy
Posted by: zooey at March 14, 2004 02:49 PMThis is the end-all review of the movie.
Posted by: daniel silliman at March 14, 2004 03:51 PMi've been sitting here staring at the "post a comment" screen for several minutes, trying to think of any meaningful, relevant response. much of my life has been made up of these minutes. maybe there's some meaning in looking for recognition or acknowledgment for searching for the right words. or maybe i'm only wasting the time of myself and others when all i was trying to say was thanks for making my life a little richer.
Posted by: adam at March 14, 2004 04:16 PMthank you, zooey. thanks, daniel. adam, you're welcome, and give yourself a big kiss for me tonight.
Posted by: jeremy at March 14, 2004 06:17 PMjeremy thanks for this...and all day i had stuck in my head--God is not ashamed of you. not a bad thing to get stuck on the rotation. thanks.
Posted by: kelly at March 14, 2004 06:50 PMme, too.
Posted by: jeremy at March 14, 2004 07:05 PMHow was Hidalgo?
Posted by: barlow at March 14, 2004 11:12 PMit was what it was. a fun, no-pressure, indiana jones meets seabiscuit galloping good time. never quite knew what tone it wanted to take, but i wasn't asking much. so i enjoyed myself. if you're in the mood for some good mid-east stereotyping and old school chase scenes and a gorgeous closing scene, it would be a good rental.
Posted by: jeremy at March 14, 2004 11:28 PMg00d post. I'm more hypocritical than you, I guess. good post. I don't usually think of myself as overflowing with hatred ... but I have to admit that whenever and wherever faced with the perfection, the holiness, the beauty of our Lord I cannot but hate it, from the bottom of my Adamic heart.
Posted by: berek at March 15, 2004 05:48 AMi guess i havent been in a rush to see it. #1 it's a frickin mel gibson movie #2 the rah rah rah, attitude in the media. #3 it's all so watered down, and an artist interpretation of historical events.
call me skeptical. but i just dont get so much of it. maybe it's the idea of being lead down the wrong path.
Posted by: jnny at March 15, 2004 10:21 AMWell, every thing written about history is "an artist[ic] interpretation of historical events". That's why it interested me. And not going to see something because of the "rah rah rah" is kind of like not eating chocolate because essentially everyone else does.
Posted by: barlow at March 15, 2004 11:32 AMI sent this to the one friend I have who would not blow a gasket at the F word in the mouth of the Almighty. Her reply was "you know I dig that, doncha?" (meaning the beauty of the gospel of course) and she promptly sent it off to her elder and pastor in the PCA. Thanks, Jeremy. I always know where to find honestly triumphant suffering in blogdom.
Posted by: LBB at March 15, 2004 07:15 PMlara,
now that it's in the hand of official PCA elderdom, it's a good thing i didn't go for ordination after graduating from covenant.
Posted by: jeremy at March 15, 2004 07:17 PMOne thing I greatly appreciate about your writing, Jeremy, is that I have to think about it for a long time...mull it over...it's rich like that. Thank you for giving me food for thought.
I saw the Passion on Ash Wednesday with the high school youth from church. It was a great way for me to start Lent...it set the stage for 40 days of reflection. I wanted our Ash Wednesday service to be AFTER the movie so I could THEN receive the imposition of ashes and communion. The problem is that there is no Easter sequel that pushes the Gospel, pushes Grace in your face as as hard as the movie pushes the wages of sin. But, as you eloquently put it, a film simply cannot show Jesus on His throne calling each of us by name. It is a good devotional tool for believers and a poor evangelical tool for the world.
Posted by: Emily at March 16, 2004 08:48 AMI guess I didn't fully explain myself. Maybe I'd rather see a doc on the subject, rather than a Hollywood interpretation. And if everyone was doing cocaine and jumping off of tall buildings, I would not do that. cheers.
Posted by: jnny at March 16, 2004 11:30 AMWow. I think those were some of my exact words as I drove home. I was so pissed that I wanted to hit something; the whole thing left me so frustrated. So, I took out my anger on my old car, its bastard mechanics (who weren't present), and my dear wife (who was). And then I confessed my misappropriated anger and was forgiven. "For He gives His loved ones sleep" - even after they watch a twisted movie about His passion.
Posted by: jon amos at March 17, 2004 07:21 AMwtf
Posted by: luke at March 17, 2004 03:08 PMyes
Posted by: jeremy at March 17, 2004 03:32 PMwow...
Posted by: garver at March 17, 2004 06:12 PMJeremy,
Someone sent this to me. Where are you now adays? I hope you are doing well. I appreciate your honesty my friend.
Later,
Jeffrey Lancaster
Was I a part of that class? Because I don't remember anything offensive about any of the passages you had us read. Anyway... I hope all is well, and that if you did see the Passion later on, that you didn't sit in the very front row, as I did. Because I realized that the front row isn't even functional as a row, due to the fact that you cannot see the entire screen without leaning your head back in the seat as far as you can. Then you kind of look like a bobsledder, or at least I felt like one.
Posted by: Matt at April 14, 2004 01:59 PMMan, everytime I read this, I start crying.
Posted by: scott cunningham at December 9, 2004 10:29 AM