* Warning: euphemized, but image-wise explicit content
Depending on when you’re reading this, I’m either on the way to or sitting on the beach on the coast of Portland, bunkered up and waiting for my 30th birthday to pass. I am either transporting or presently using a bottle of Maker’s Mark, some Douglas Coupland, blankets, a jam-box, quilts, a Greek New Testament, and a tent to get me through.
I turn 30 on Monday, November 1. I’m still in school, and, excepting fireworks-tent manager and ice-cream truck driver, I’ve never had a cash-cow job. I have no car payment and no life-partner. Sometimes I feel bad about this, and sometimes I tell myself that, excepting murder three years later, by waiting until 30 to start my “career,” I’m following in Jesus’ footsteps, beach or no beach. I try making comparisons, but they end up washing out.
For example, like Jesus, I tell myself, I will have gone my entire 20’s without complete physical consummation, if you know what I mean. Yes, I realize that “complete . . . consummation” sounds redundant; let me explain; I redound intentionally. God knows I have not kept either my hands or my mind to myself. Jesus consummated neither physically nor mentally; I, on the other hand, by mental statistics alone, have repopulated an entire church nursery.
I have this image in my head, and it will either disturb, amuse, or interest you, depending on your temperament. I’ve wondered, lately, about the relation between Eden and biology, about what, pardon the euphemism, fallenness and rising have to do with each other. If consummation was part of Adam and Eve’s pre-fall activity, then there’s nothing inherently “sinful” about, say, the rising I mentioned before. So that Jesus, being fully human, though without sin, might have experienced the same. Whether this kind of public embarrassment and private incident were part of his identification with our awkwardness, shame, hiding. Is something like this merely moral, partly genetic, all-inherited, pre-fall natural, glorious? I don’t know. But I think it’s important.
I don’t intend to be crass. I do intend to consider my double-shame: on the one hand the shame in acting out partial consummation without the intent or context for fullness, like, as I used to say so smugly in college, warming up the oven without having a turkey to put in it; on the other hand, the false sense of shame I feel for going my entire 20’s without doing what all the birds and bees have been busy doing. I realize that the part of my shame conditioned by culture is illegitimate, but I am left to wonder whether there’s some leftover shame here, not conditioned by culture, that’s unwarranted, as well, and, thus, shameful to Jesus, who, embodied himself, loves our bodies.
I’m either on the way or at the beach now trying to come up with answers. 30 sounds like a good time to start finding them.
Happy Birthday.
Posted by: jane at October 29, 2004 05:11 PMi've never posted but i've kept up a little on your site. i want to be a part of this project if it's not too late to spring in on it. read my blog and we will be acquainted.
Posted by: tacy jane at October 29, 2004 05:30 PMhappy birthday jeremy!
if you will allow, i believe that shame never comes from god. guilt yes, but shame no. shame is that place that goes past 'i've done wrong' to 'i am wrong'. shame causes death, guilt, when heeded life. (for whatever that is worth).
i honestly believe that sex, fullfillment and intimacy has always been part of god's plan, eve was always meant to 'be fruitful', adam to 'work the ground' - after the fall it was just going to hurt and cause pain and sweat.
and i cannot read the parts that tell us jesus experienced all the temptation and pain we did/have and was without sin and exclude things like sexual temptation.
i can imagine having your feet washed with a woman's tears and dried with her hair would be a very intimate moment. or having your head annointed with expensive perfume.
i've also heard theory about jesus being raped while in prison so that aspect of our suffering wasn't foreign to him either.
it's late and i'm babbling, needless to say, i pray you live into the answers during this new decade jeremy. i look forward to reading about the process as you find them.
Posted by: bobbie at October 29, 2004 06:37 PMjane, thank you. i'm in portland now, and it says hello.
tacy jane, by all means, join in. and i'll read.
bobbie, i agree fully, though didn't make it clear, that we far too easily confuse shame with guilt. and i had considered the moment with mary magdalene, but i thought that might be too scandalous for some folks to put in there. so thanks for your prayers. i like them.
Posted by: jeremy at October 29, 2004 11:24 PMWhen I turned 29, I was depressed for two weeks. Turning 30 was an awesome day. I captured some thoughts on paper that day. Some things I'd learned, and some things I wanted to do going forward. I didn't, however, have the selflessness to leave behind all the people who would say "Happy Birthday," and spend time, as you are doing, figuring some things out, thinking about the answers. The picture you paint of the beach time is beautiful. Happy birthday, friend.
Posted by: Todd at October 30, 2004 05:15 AMhappy birthday weekend jeremy.
i love you just a little more after reading this. thanks for the laughter and thoughts.
prayers for a new year - that you will answer some things but leave others in the air, for Him to work.
and stay away from the water once the seal has been broken on The Mark.
Posted by: steph at October 30, 2004 01:03 PMHappy 30, Jeremy.
Posted by: apple at October 30, 2004 04:21 PMi heard a gay guy once tell the story of how he sensed God calling him. he dreamt of going to the park (where one would seek anonymous gay sex) and seeing a man approach him. when he got close, he realized it was jesus, and i think they embraced.
i bristled hearing this, thinking it was a crude and perverse place to put my savior, blah blah. but then i realized the folly of this thinking, as if Christ couldn't handle something so dirty as our darkest desires.
you may encounter people who disaprove of your public discussion of such topics, but it is a great comfort to me that i don't have to try and hide my darkness from God. and i think this is a really interesting line of questions.
happy birthday, old guy.
Posted by: abe at October 30, 2004 10:41 PMhappy happy.
Posted by: natalie at October 31, 2004 12:04 PMHappy 30th.
Posted by: barlow at October 31, 2004 08:10 PM* happy birthday, jeremy. by the way, it seems like there are 2 janes here now. but happy birthday. even though it technically isn't your birthday yet. except it is your birthday in south korea.
Posted by: jane. at October 31, 2004 08:26 PMhappy birthday dear jeremy
Posted by: amy at November 1, 2004 04:45 AMhappy all saints day, jeremy-love.
I listened to David Wilcox's "Top of the Roller-Coaster" in your honor today.
"Of course there will be fear
But this is why we stand in line
Spend that time
Make that climb
To finally feel the other side
And it's all down hill from here
We're gonna climb to the top of the roller coaster
And look down the other side."
the happiest of 30 to you. are you going to wear those designer jeans you showed me in st.louis?
Posted by: shull at November 1, 2004 06:42 AMIt was good to talk to you the other day. Hope all is well and happy birthday.
Posted by: mike at November 1, 2004 06:59 AMHerzlichen Gluckwunsch zum Geburtstag, der Wunderschon mann. Meine Haarflammen fur Sie.
Eine Hand wascht die andere.
Posted by: franka at November 1, 2004 07:06 AMJeremy,
All the best on the beach. Your sentiments and thoughts are quite resonant with me, although I'm in a different place. Getting ready to turn 30 in the spring, with three children. My wife will be the same late this winter. While I'm working now, don't know if I could classify it as a career. If it is, then I'm slowly becoming Dilbert.
It's hard to do something you're not passionate about...
Jason
Posted by: Jason B at November 1, 2004 10:26 AMHi JC-Hope you are enjoying your time at the beach. Since I am more likely to reach you here than by phone, I just wanted to tell my little brother Happy, happy 30th. I am thinking of you today and missing you. Love you, SK
Posted by: shanon at November 1, 2004 05:34 PMhappy belated birthday, jeremy.
i hope the sun was shining in everyway
d.
Happy 30th, Jeremy. You and I share All-Saint's Day birthdays with two other great artistic talents: Lyle Lovett and Larry Flynt. :)
Posted by: Andrew at November 2, 2004 05:57 AMtodd, steph, apple, thanks for taking the time to say happy birthday. it was happy.
Posted by: jeremy at November 3, 2004 07:46 PMabe, thanks for the encouragement (and the antecdote). and please, don't call me old guy, you young punk.
Posted by: jeremy at November 3, 2004 07:47 PMnatalie, jon, jane, amy, ej, it's nice to have people who kn(e)(o)w me say happy birthday, as well. if it were all strangers, i'd be afraid i weren't good enough people to be birthday-wishable.
Posted by: jeremy at November 3, 2004 07:48 PMshull, i'm wearing them now.
Posted by: jeremy at November 3, 2004 07:49 PMmike, can't wait to see you in december. back porch?
Posted by: jeremy at November 3, 2004 07:49 PMfranka, you really must get over me.
Posted by: jeremy at November 3, 2004 07:50 PMjason, may you destroy cartoons on your 30th. let me know if i can help.
Posted by: jeremy at November 3, 2004 07:51 PMd., it was cloudy, but the sun shone anyway, so thank you. it's good to hear from you.
Posted by: jeremy at November 3, 2004 07:52 PMandrew, i'm honored. i think.
Posted by: jeremy at November 3, 2004 07:52 PMJoyous one and a half score anniversary of your nativity.
Posted by: sligh at November 6, 2004 07:55 PM