August 24, 2005
the adult's guide to santa's village
When you visit Santa’s Village high in the White Mountains in Jefferson, New Hampshire, you must first understand that this afternoon of exhaustion, deprivation, and creepy elves is not about you. Santa’s Village is not even about Santa. Santa’s village is about the niece with an unhealthy tolerance of nausea and the nephews with big eyes and tiny bladders. It’s easy to forget; you’ll see a REAL LIVE reindeer just to the left of the frosted entranceway. You’ll become distracted, but don’t pout ‘cause Santa Claus has left you a message just inside the door: “Ho Ho HO, KIDS [caps mine]! This season, we’ve done something new just for you! All adults are now required to smoke in specially designated gazebos located throughout the park!” So, yeah, Santa’s Village is about the kids. And, yeah, go ahead and add an imaginary character to the list of people I’ve murdered in my heart. Best to check your desires and cravings at the over-priced door.
Santa’s Village has its own website, where you can e-mail Santa, make a contribution to “Santa Letter’s [sic],” check out the SV webcam, learn the “rein check” policy, and read testimonials. Save your energy—I’ve got your testimony right here.
For information on Santa’s Village’s assorted rides, attractions, and sno-cone flavors, you can visit www.santasvillage.com. But, like anyone who’s visited me online and then had to meet me in-person knows, you can only learn so much until you’ve seen the live song and dance. In this case, it’s the Rudolph Show at the Reindeer Ranch. “Show” might be a smidge generous.
My niece Anna, my nephews Drew and Alex, my sister Shanon, my mother, some other mothers and other mothers’ children and I were a bit misled. We were expecting a real reindeer with a battery-powered nose. Instead, we got four teenaged employees, a “reindeer rap,” and some dancing that would have brought the Wiggles to mocking giggles. The children were brought onto the performance area, where they had reindeer name tags roped around their necks and antlers strapped to their confused skulls. A group sing-along ensued, at which point I finally understood the lyrics from an old Christmas favorite: “Far aa-as, far aa-as, the curse is found.”
I turned, disappointed, to my sister, cursing myself for not having brought my video camera. I try not to be cynical about Santa and company, but people . . . . And the two of us, in a moment of sibling bonding, were ho-ho-hoing heartily at the fromage before us when 4-year-old Drew, the middle child, looked at me and smiled, delighted with, to his antler-laden mind, his Uncle Jeremy’s own delight.
Is it ever okay to lie to a kid? Better to let him think that teenaged park employees rapping and dancing is real fun or to begin refining his entertainment palette early? Better to say, “Drew, that was so cool, wasn’t it?” or “Drew, I know that seemed cool, if by ‘cool’ you mean straight-up cheesy-ass shit.”
While contemplating those questions (and others: Why don’t I have kids yet?), one of Santa’s helperettes snuck up on me and grabbed my arm. My sister, whom I suddenly lost all affection for, encouraged the grabber, and the crowd began clapping, and in a last, desperate plea for sanity, I looked to Anna and Alex and Drew, expecting them to say, “Hold it, lady, it’s okay for us to be out here—we’re just kids who’re easily pleased, and we’ll play along if we have to—but leave Uncle Jeremy alone: he’s too cool for this bullcrap.” Instead, I heard, “Uncle Jerrrrrrrrrrrmeeeeeeeeee!”
After the show, I found the nearest smoking gazebo. A lady sat there sweating and puffing. When she saw me, she nodded her head. I’ve seen that nod before. It means “I understand. Sit for a while, brother.” After a minute of tacit agreement, she said, “Stupid gazebos.” “Yeah,” I said, “stupid, isn’t it?” “For the kids, I suppose,” she said. “Yeah, I suppose.” “They should at least make the employees wear elf costumes, ‘for the kids,’” she said. “Yeah,” I said, “and pointy elf shoes.” “Yeah,” she said, impressed by my idea, eager to join in, “and with bells on ‘em.” “Yeah, that’d be awesome.” “That’d be great.”
When her cigarette went out, that newly glowing light in her eyes did, too—back to the real holiday world. She was not delighted. I stayed and smoked another, thought about the reindeer show. When those kids looked up at me out on the stage with them, clapping and singing “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer," they were shining, smiling, laughing. But with me. Standing there, wearing a Santa hat, singing some stupid song with some goofy teenaged park employees, delighted them. They’re children. When they get older, I suppose, they’ll want people to impress them, but for now, I don’t have to impress them, and I couldn’t if I tried—for children, there are too many rides and dances out there to delight in to waste time on anything else.
As I was finishing my cigarette, a family walked by. A little girl ran toward the gazebo, cleared the two steps in one hop, and landed directly in front of me, panting slightly, mouth open, eyes, expectant, looking right into mine. Maybe she missed Santa’s announcement at the entrance and thought that this was a ride. Maybe she didn’t know that this was a place for grown-ups. Who knows what she was looking forward to, what she expected of me? Do I break the news, tell her to ask that fat bastard Santa why this ride sucks? Yell at her parents to come get her? Ignore her?
I took a last drag, looked her in the eyes, and said, “Merry Christmas.” She yelped, turned around, and sprinted back to her family, unimpressed with the gazebo ride, but I, for one, was delighted.
scaring children in the "smoking gazebo" non-ride... priceless.
Posted by: Dave at August 24, 2005 05:03 PMhahaha. that's great.
Posted by: amyd at August 24, 2005 05:29 PMI apologize for being forgetful- I keep meaning to put your blog on our list of Friends & Acquaintances. I click over here every time I see a hit on our site that comes from yours and I enjoy the blend of humor and reflections on daily living. Good stuff. Blessings in all you do.
Posted by: Glenn at August 24, 2005 06:58 PMas hilarious as it sounds hellish.
(sigh)
i, too, have neices and nephews and i am familiar with that momentary tinge of sadness and shame while watching them enamored with some sorry-ass piece of plastic or puppetry. it is in those moments that i have to face the sad truth - that i, at times in my youth, have also fallen under the spell of things which, in retrospect, clearly sucked.
sadly, in my case, however, many of those things could be labeled under the heading of christian hair metal.
and with that in mind, each time, i resolve that i will not cast that first stone.
Hi JC! carrie came up to visit today and we just read the "review"-I am crying I am laughing so hard! I think even funnier for me than anyone else because I experienced this in person with you-very accurate description! carrie felt like she was right there with us by looking at the pics and reading your description of the "cheesy-ass shit"-well put! Thanks for the laughs! Love you-the sister you lost all affection for aka shanon and the other sis aka carrie
Posted by: shanon and carrie at August 24, 2005 08:58 PMCame here depressed. Had belly laughs. Happy now.
Thanks, man.
* i personally think you're still irked with the time star search rejected you when you dressed up and sang "little drummer boy." seriously, jeremy, that was five years ago. let it go. we both know ed was wrong in denying you your moment of star searchian fame. :)
Posted by: jane. at August 24, 2005 10:43 PMOnly what, four months til christmas tomorrow?
I plan to use the phrase "Straight up cheesy-ass shit" sometime in the very near future.
Posted by: emily jane at August 24, 2005 10:45 PMwe drove by santa's village! we were on our way up to canada...and apparently missed nothing. "Straight-up cheesy-ass shit" is one of those phrases that would be very funny if heard, but seeing it in print just ratchets up the humor. Hilarious.
i'm not sure how you will receive this information, but it makes me smile. the picture of you with the santa hat and that look on your face--that is almost the exact the mental image i have of you when we were 19.
Dave, I'm glad you approve. Though I'd prefer to have someone put a price tag on it. I could really use that.
Thanks, AmyD. If by "great" you mean "never again."
Thanks, Glenn. Yes, my link is in a funny place on your site, but I kinda' like it. Thanks for both reading and doing what you're doing over there. I felt like some sort of unnamed, covert group last week while at a wedding with Habig and Les.
Adam, wise not cast a first stone, as it would bounce off the hair metal and strike you in your own eye.
Shanon and Carrie, glad you appreciate. I can't wait to read this to the kids when they turn legal.
Jamison, I'm glad I could help. And thanks for the link, man. It's good to know that I can write something ridiculous every once in a while and not lose all my readership.
Jane, we agreed never to mention that, right?
EJ, just try to refrain around Brad and Varner, please. Please. I love them too much.
Em, you've got to be kidding. And I'd planned on never blogging about the mental image I have of you when we were 19, but I'm reconsidering. Just roll the words "nylon cheerleader shorts" around in your head for a while. . .
the more i watch my son delight in such cheese, the more i'm reminded what Christ says about children and His kingdom...
i see a vonage commercial: ugly orange screen and music that makes me think of a bloody ninja fight scene. he sees an opportunity to dance recklessly around the living room and giggle...
which one of us is more 'cool'?
Posted by: shane at August 25, 2005 11:23 AMyes, exactly. something here for me about the difference between the foolishness of wanting to impress vs the beauty of wanting to delight a future spouse and how it takes a child to teach me that. thanks for saying so.
Posted by: jeremy at August 25, 2005 11:40 AMi am glad you're back in effect.
Posted by: olivia at August 25, 2005 03:40 PMsemi-full effect. thanks, olivia.
Posted by: jeremy at August 25, 2005 03:46 PMthanks for the great laugh Uncle Jerrrrrrrrrrrmeeeeeeeeee!
we're headed up to bracebridge, ontario this week - the home of canada's 'santas village' - i think we'll give it a pass!
Posted by: bobbie at August 25, 2005 04:58 PMyou're welcome, bobbie. may your trip to Santa's Village be full of delight. and embarrassing photos. hoping for an ensuing post.
Posted by: jeremy at August 25, 2005 05:11 PMthanks, this made me smile. there's something about being with children that quickly and happily strips away all coolness. makes me remember how much being cool never should have mattered anyway.
Posted by: amys at August 25, 2005 05:40 PMnow, now, don't get all snarky with me. i know i wore bad shorts. it's just that sometimes it seems like you are a writer who lives in my computer and not a boy i know. when i saw that photo i thought "hey! it's jermey!"
Posted by: emily at August 25, 2005 05:51 PMoh boy, as I read what you say about Santa and his Village I can't help but think--you're not getting any Christmas presents anymore for the rest of your life. As far as letting children believe stuff, I think all children should be allowed to believe in Santa. I wasn't, and it made me the horrible, cynical person I am today.
Posted by: linnea at August 26, 2005 09:10 AMamys, you're welcome.
em, me, snarky? only at mention of second-hand christmas gifts.
linnea, it's a good thing i'm jewish. and i still haven't decided on the santa thing. not out of principle, but because i don't want santa getting credit for all the freakin money I SPENT!
Posted by: jeremy at August 26, 2005 11:45 AMgosh what a dumb website! (the santa one, not yours..) thanks for a hilarious laugh. the santa hat is very becoming...
Posted by: gwen at August 26, 2005 11:34 PMWhatever about Santa. Do you believe in the six to eight black men?
Posted by: Rachel at August 29, 2005 10:13 AMi do believe in the six to eight black men, and the cast-iron bell. and morsels of lumber.
Posted by: jeremy at August 29, 2005 10:20 AMJeremy,
I just figured out (I think) what you meant about your link being in a funny place at CGO. I just today saw your link under the Family Life Today radio shows and had NO idea how it got there. That is utterly bizarre to me, but makes me laugh. You're also under "Friends and Acquaintances" so hopefully that makes more sense.
Thanks for writing good and amusing stuff.
Posted by: GL at August 30, 2005 10:17 PMI was hoping an internet hacker bugged your site with mine, so I'll stick with that if that's okay, though "friends and acquaintances" is just fine.
Posted by: jeremy at August 30, 2005 10:19 PM